Several months ago, I wrote about an evening out with New Guy (I really need to come up with a better name for him) -- a refresher: he and I dated for a few months last fall, but he was just out of a serious relationship (and a long marriage just before that), and needed to have some solo time. We stopped dating, but remained friends.
On that last night out (platonic, with mutual friends), he mentioned that he was dating someone new, but was clear with her that he absolutely was not looking for anything serious. I realized at that time that I couldn't help myself: I still had feelings for this guy.
He and I have remained friends, but hadn't seen each other since then -- until this weekend. We've been meaning to catch up for ages, but one of us always seems to be traveling lately, so we finally picked a date a month in advance and made plans to cook dinner at his place.
It was a fabulous night, eating in his yard on a perfect, balmy summer evening -- but holy cow -- I realized that I *still* have feelings for him. He's just one of the most remarkable guys I've ever met -- smart, considerate, a great listener, funny (and he happens to be a good cook) -- we just click.
And yet -- very appropriate that the issue of timing has come up on this blog of late -- maybe it's bad timing, maybe he's just not into me. Whatever it is -- it's a sucky feeling that I still care for him (a lot), but he's just not available right now.
Oy… for so long, I had done such a good job of filing him away in the recesses of my mind. Seeing him brought all those feelings back to the surface, maybe more so because I’m in a frustrating place right now. Nothing I can really do about it, except try to stifle these feelings (again) and hope they stay buried. And maybe meet someone equally amazing who IS available.
*******
The next day, I had lunch plans with a new J-guy -- let's call him George, since he resembles my high school boyfriend with that name (he's First Date #132 since March 2005). I went into the date feeling physically heartsick over the situation with New Guy, and found myself thinking that if this was a bad date, that would only drive me deeper into the black hole I'd dug for myself.
Thankfully, George was a good distraction. Funny, cute, fun. He expressed interest in seeing me again, so I'm hoping that happens sometime this week.
And then -- another good distraction from New Guy, and the NY dating scene in general -- as of next week, I'm going to be out of town for almost three weeks, on vacation with a good friend to Some Exotic Country. The timing couldn't be better! (for a change)
Monday, June 15, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
And another one's gone, and another one's gone...
Just a few days ago, I wrote:
I recently stopped dating Martin because I felt it wasn't going anywhere, and I made a decision to actively seek a meaningful relationship. So why am I still dating Mr Easy, even though it doesn't feel like it has the makings of a great romance? Good question. It is easy, and we do have a good time. But is that enough? I think I need more time to figure it out.
I came to the conclusion: fun and easy wasn't enough. Tonight, I ended it with Mr Easy. He was disappointed, but in the honest discussion that followed (we'd never talked about "us" before), he said he's not in a place for anything serious at the moment. And truthfully, while I enjoyed his company, I'm not sure I was feeling a future with him. We had a lovely hug goodbye (along with what seemed like one of our most passionate kisses ever), and that was that.
I know I made the right decision, but I'm just in a funk right now. I'm really, really sick of dates that don't go anywhere. I had dates #130 and 131 this week -- I wasn't swept off my feet by either of them, but I'd consider a second date if I hear from them. Thankfully, neither was doing the Master Cleanse during the date.
I recently stopped dating Martin because I felt it wasn't going anywhere, and I made a decision to actively seek a meaningful relationship. So why am I still dating Mr Easy, even though it doesn't feel like it has the makings of a great romance? Good question. It is easy, and we do have a good time. But is that enough? I think I need more time to figure it out.
I came to the conclusion: fun and easy wasn't enough. Tonight, I ended it with Mr Easy. He was disappointed, but in the honest discussion that followed (we'd never talked about "us" before), he said he's not in a place for anything serious at the moment. And truthfully, while I enjoyed his company, I'm not sure I was feeling a future with him. We had a lovely hug goodbye (along with what seemed like one of our most passionate kisses ever), and that was that.
I know I made the right decision, but I'm just in a funk right now. I'm really, really sick of dates that don't go anywhere. I had dates #130 and 131 this week -- I wasn't swept off my feet by either of them, but I'd consider a second date if I hear from them. Thankfully, neither was doing the Master Cleanse during the date.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Date #129: the Guru
This was my first "first date" in over two months, and I was a bit nervous. The Guru and I had nearly missed each other, like the proverbial two ships in the night: we'd had a few encouraging e-mails via Match, until he said he was getting off the site, and to write to him at his real email address.
I did -- no response. I was a little surprised, but not so much -- it's not unusual for a Great Connection Guy to go MIA on the internet.
About a week ago, I got an alert that he wrote to me again via Match (I couldn't read the content, as I was no longer a paying member). Again, I wrote to him at his e-mail address. Nothing.
I finally did a bit of detective work, and discovered that I'd misspelled his e-mail address. Once I realized this, I let him know, and he quickly wrote back, and a date was planned. I couldn't help but think that if we hit it off, what a great story that would be -- the romance that almost didn't happen, thwarted by technology!
However, that was not to be.
My request to talk on the phone prior to the date was met with "I'm not much of a phone person, but ok...". We wound up leaving messages for one another, and went into the date un-talked. Had I talked to him beforehand, I might not have had to write to this e-mail to a friend immediately after the date:
So... the date with (Mr Guru): for one, those pics on his profile are really old. Two: he suggested we meet for Thai food, but when he showed up (about 20 minutes late) he revealed that he was doing a cleanse - why bother meeting me for *dinner* then? I ate real food, while he got a bowl of broth. I had beer, he had hot water with lemon. Three: when the check came, I did the polite "can I contribute?" offer -- he said, "ok, we can split it, even though mine was less". Um... okay...
He was a bit too New Agey for me. He's not of this coast, and has only been living here a few months. The word "tantric" was bandied about. Interesting to talk to from a sociological stance, but no chemistry at all.
Onward!
*******
I recently stopped dating Martin because I felt it wasn't going anywhere, and I made a decision to actively seek a meaningful relationship. So why am I still dating Mr Easy, even though it doesn't feel like it has the makings of a great romance? Good question. It is easy, and we do have a good time. But is that enough? I think I need more time to figure it out.
I did -- no response. I was a little surprised, but not so much -- it's not unusual for a Great Connection Guy to go MIA on the internet.
About a week ago, I got an alert that he wrote to me again via Match (I couldn't read the content, as I was no longer a paying member). Again, I wrote to him at his e-mail address. Nothing.
I finally did a bit of detective work, and discovered that I'd misspelled his e-mail address. Once I realized this, I let him know, and he quickly wrote back, and a date was planned. I couldn't help but think that if we hit it off, what a great story that would be -- the romance that almost didn't happen, thwarted by technology!
However, that was not to be.
My request to talk on the phone prior to the date was met with "I'm not much of a phone person, but ok...". We wound up leaving messages for one another, and went into the date un-talked. Had I talked to him beforehand, I might not have had to write to this e-mail to a friend immediately after the date:
So... the date with (Mr Guru): for one, those pics on his profile are really old. Two: he suggested we meet for Thai food, but when he showed up (about 20 minutes late) he revealed that he was doing a cleanse - why bother meeting me for *dinner* then? I ate real food, while he got a bowl of broth. I had beer, he had hot water with lemon. Three: when the check came, I did the polite "can I contribute?" offer -- he said, "ok, we can split it, even though mine was less". Um... okay...
He was a bit too New Agey for me. He's not of this coast, and has only been living here a few months. The word "tantric" was bandied about. Interesting to talk to from a sociological stance, but no chemistry at all.
Onward!
*******
I recently stopped dating Martin because I felt it wasn't going anywhere, and I made a decision to actively seek a meaningful relationship. So why am I still dating Mr Easy, even though it doesn't feel like it has the makings of a great romance? Good question. It is easy, and we do have a good time. But is that enough? I think I need more time to figure it out.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Another one bites the dust.
I did it. After waffling all weekend, I finally called Martin and ended things. (he restored my faith that he wasn't a total dillhole when, the day after he texted me at 1:30 am, he called and left a proper message).
It wasn't easy -- we have a good connection, and great chemistry, and I was torn between doing what feels good right now, vs what I want in the long run. This doesn't happen often with me, but logic won. Maybe I'm finally becoming a grown-up?
During this warmer-than-expected talk, he reminded me that during an earlier talk we'd had months ago, he told me that he was not long out of a serious relationship, which was preceded by another long-term relationship -- and thus, wasn't in a place to be serious right now. Oh yes... that. I remembered that, kind of.
He said he understood where I was coming from, but hoped we could still stay friends, and "we'll see what happens" down the road. So that's that. I'm missing him a little, but am still confident that this is for the best.
I'm just really ready to meet someone already who is crazy about me, whom I'm crazy about as well. Sigh.
It wasn't easy -- we have a good connection, and great chemistry, and I was torn between doing what feels good right now, vs what I want in the long run. This doesn't happen often with me, but logic won. Maybe I'm finally becoming a grown-up?
During this warmer-than-expected talk, he reminded me that during an earlier talk we'd had months ago, he told me that he was not long out of a serious relationship, which was preceded by another long-term relationship -- and thus, wasn't in a place to be serious right now. Oh yes... that. I remembered that, kind of.
He said he understood where I was coming from, but hoped we could still stay friends, and "we'll see what happens" down the road. So that's that. I'm missing him a little, but am still confident that this is for the best.
I'm just really ready to meet someone already who is crazy about me, whom I'm crazy about as well. Sigh.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
The wake-up call: Martin
Just got back from a business trip – on my last night there, I had an epiphany.
I was faffing around on the internet, checking out what people were up to on Facebook – out of curiosity, I checked out Mr Recurring’s page. I check out his page every so often to see if he’s still engaged to soon-to-be Mrs Recurring. So far, it appears that that’s still the case, with the wedding just a few weeks away. Allegedly.
I think there’s a part of me that wants to see that they’ve broken up. Not because I want to be with him… maybe I’m just a little jealous of these two people who seem so ecstatic to have found each other, and I just crave that feeling so much. I don’t even realize I’m craving it until I go to his (then her) Facebook page, and see all the updates (the first get-together with mutual friends, talk of moving in together), the happy photos together, gazing into each other’s eyes (well, THAT one is a bit puke-worthy).
So, this epiphany: I realized that if I want to find someone who is totally crazy about me, maybe I shouldn’t be wasting time with guys who AREN’T crazy about me. My best friend D will be the first to remind me of this: any night I spend on a date with someone like Martin is a night I could be potentially be going out with someone with whom there’s a future. Rocket science, I know.
I’ve been on the fence regarding how much I like Martin, pondering how right he is for me. One factor that’s pushing him further into the “not right” column: he’s been rather inconsistent. Before we both left on our trips, he told me he’d miss me – and yet we only exchanged one brief, not-very-warm text while I was away. Actions much louder than words, see?
Just tonight, a week and a half after our last brief text exchange, he texted me to say “hi” – at 1:30 am. Really, dude?
Alas, I think he needs to be 86’d. I’m going to miss the good chemistry, but I think it’s more important to focus on someone who may have potential.
What timing – I just read this on Evan Mark Katz’s website:
What’s most important is not how a guy makes you feel on a date. Sure, it’s great when you’re tipsy and tingling with excitement in anticipation of his kiss. But that feeling is useless if he doesn’t make a consistent effort to see you.
Literally ALL that matters - if you want a healthy relationship - is how quickly he follows up to say, “When can I see you again?”
Thanks for the reminder, EMK.
I was faffing around on the internet, checking out what people were up to on Facebook – out of curiosity, I checked out Mr Recurring’s page. I check out his page every so often to see if he’s still engaged to soon-to-be Mrs Recurring. So far, it appears that that’s still the case, with the wedding just a few weeks away. Allegedly.
I think there’s a part of me that wants to see that they’ve broken up. Not because I want to be with him… maybe I’m just a little jealous of these two people who seem so ecstatic to have found each other, and I just crave that feeling so much. I don’t even realize I’m craving it until I go to his (then her) Facebook page, and see all the updates (the first get-together with mutual friends, talk of moving in together), the happy photos together, gazing into each other’s eyes (well, THAT one is a bit puke-worthy).
So, this epiphany: I realized that if I want to find someone who is totally crazy about me, maybe I shouldn’t be wasting time with guys who AREN’T crazy about me. My best friend D will be the first to remind me of this: any night I spend on a date with someone like Martin is a night I could be potentially be going out with someone with whom there’s a future. Rocket science, I know.
I’ve been on the fence regarding how much I like Martin, pondering how right he is for me. One factor that’s pushing him further into the “not right” column: he’s been rather inconsistent. Before we both left on our trips, he told me he’d miss me – and yet we only exchanged one brief, not-very-warm text while I was away. Actions much louder than words, see?
Just tonight, a week and a half after our last brief text exchange, he texted me to say “hi” – at 1:30 am. Really, dude?
Alas, I think he needs to be 86’d. I’m going to miss the good chemistry, but I think it’s more important to focus on someone who may have potential.
What timing – I just read this on Evan Mark Katz’s website:
What’s most important is not how a guy makes you feel on a date. Sure, it’s great when you’re tipsy and tingling with excitement in anticipation of his kiss. But that feeling is useless if he doesn’t make a consistent effort to see you.
Literally ALL that matters - if you want a healthy relationship - is how quickly he follows up to say, “When can I see you again?”
Thanks for the reminder, EMK.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Bon voyage
Once again – not much of an update. Actually – scratch that – the update is that while my usual M.O. is that I stress excessively about guys and dating, and struggle with loneliness – lately I’ve been (mostly) the opposite of that (an exception outlined below). I'm feeling quite dating-ambivalent of late -- could be work stress (I have a business trip coming up this week), combined with the excitement of a very cool vacation I'm planning with a friend next month.
As mentioned above, I'm not 100% dating-stress-free. There was this one night last week: Martin and I spent a fun Sunday day and evening together, and we next talked a few days later. He was going to be leaving town the following weekend, and I was about to embark on a business trip -- this meant that if we didn't see each other again before our respective trips, it would be another two weeks before we'd be able to get together.
When we talked about making plans sometime that week (correction: when I talked about making plans) the only night that seemingly would have worked for both of us didn't work for him, he said, because he needed that night to pack for his trip. The night in question was *two* days before his trip. Harrumph!
Right after we hung up, my brain reeled -- hm, he must not like me that much if he's willing to pass up one last night with me before we both go out of town. I started a mental list of all the other signs that he was no longer that into me: I couldn't recall the last time he'd told me he thought I was beautiful, like he did in the beginning. It seemed that his texts were more of a subtle sexual tone of late, not romantic.
Then -- just as quickly as I turned on the crazy -- the switch went off once I put myself in his shoes: not long after, a friend asked to make plans for Sunday, and I said it would be difficult, as I had to pack for my trip... two days away. Oh. Maybe it also didn't hurt that Martin and I had a lovely conversation the night before his trip, and he told me he'd miss me, and gave some thoughtful advice when I told him about some family drama I was having.
So. The only thing I really know right now is that I don't really know anything!
Oh -- last time I wrote that I still had Mr Easy in the picture, but "probably not for much longer". We've had another date since, and had a great time - I enjoy his company, and at the moment, can't think of a reason to not date him. So he's still in the picture as well.
Enjoy your long holiday weekend -- updates to come when I'm back in town.
As mentioned above, I'm not 100% dating-stress-free. There was this one night last week: Martin and I spent a fun Sunday day and evening together, and we next talked a few days later. He was going to be leaving town the following weekend, and I was about to embark on a business trip -- this meant that if we didn't see each other again before our respective trips, it would be another two weeks before we'd be able to get together.
When we talked about making plans sometime that week (correction: when I talked about making plans) the only night that seemingly would have worked for both of us didn't work for him, he said, because he needed that night to pack for his trip. The night in question was *two* days before his trip. Harrumph!
Right after we hung up, my brain reeled -- hm, he must not like me that much if he's willing to pass up one last night with me before we both go out of town. I started a mental list of all the other signs that he was no longer that into me: I couldn't recall the last time he'd told me he thought I was beautiful, like he did in the beginning. It seemed that his texts were more of a subtle sexual tone of late, not romantic.
Then -- just as quickly as I turned on the crazy -- the switch went off once I put myself in his shoes: not long after, a friend asked to make plans for Sunday, and I said it would be difficult, as I had to pack for my trip... two days away. Oh. Maybe it also didn't hurt that Martin and I had a lovely conversation the night before his trip, and he told me he'd miss me, and gave some thoughtful advice when I told him about some family drama I was having.
So. The only thing I really know right now is that I don't really know anything!
Oh -- last time I wrote that I still had Mr Easy in the picture, but "probably not for much longer". We've had another date since, and had a great time - I enjoy his company, and at the moment, can't think of a reason to not date him. So he's still in the picture as well.
Enjoy your long holiday weekend -- updates to come when I'm back in town.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Nice and easy (?)
A month or so ago I wrote that there were two guys in the picture: Mr Easy and Martin. I liked them both, but knew that these things have a way of working themselves out, so I didn’t stress over the notion that I’d have to choose one over the other.
Update: I’m still seeing both of them, but I’ve been seeing Martin more frequently and have been more intimate with him – it just feels like a more natural connection. Actually, this is the most fun I've had with a guy in a long time.
And yet? I'm not stressing about "how-much-does-he-like-me" / "where-is-this-going" -- and the fact that I'm NOT stressing about this is throwing me off a bit! That's not my usual M.O. -- when I like a guy, I analyze it inside-out, upside-down til the cows come home, dammit!
Maybe I'm not stressing (yet) because:
1. maybe I'm not sure how much I like him at this early stage?
2. maybe because he's been reliable so far -- calls regularly (he's much more of a phone person than an e-mail person), and texts to let me know he's looking forward to seeing me again, etc.
3. maybe because -- *gasp* -- I'm getting older and wiser and am realizing that I DON'T have to stress about these things because I'm not 16 and waiting for a guy to ask me to the prom?
4. maybe, just maybe it's because I kind of, sort of still have Mr Easy in the picture -- but probably not for much longer.
Oh -- Martin also casually dropped in a phone conversation that he was recently out with a friend who happened to be a bit of a player, but by contrast, he's more of a relationship guy. Good to know.
Anyway -- give me a few more weeks with this guy and I'm sure I'll be back to my usual overthinking, overly-analytical self.
Update: I’m still seeing both of them, but I’ve been seeing Martin more frequently and have been more intimate with him – it just feels like a more natural connection. Actually, this is the most fun I've had with a guy in a long time.
And yet? I'm not stressing about "how-much-does-he-like-me" / "where-is-this-going" -- and the fact that I'm NOT stressing about this is throwing me off a bit! That's not my usual M.O. -- when I like a guy, I analyze it inside-out, upside-down til the cows come home, dammit!
Maybe I'm not stressing (yet) because:
1. maybe I'm not sure how much I like him at this early stage?
2. maybe because he's been reliable so far -- calls regularly (he's much more of a phone person than an e-mail person), and texts to let me know he's looking forward to seeing me again, etc.
3. maybe because -- *gasp* -- I'm getting older and wiser and am realizing that I DON'T have to stress about these things because I'm not 16 and waiting for a guy to ask me to the prom?
4. maybe, just maybe it's because I kind of, sort of still have Mr Easy in the picture -- but probably not for much longer.
Oh -- Martin also casually dropped in a phone conversation that he was recently out with a friend who happened to be a bit of a player, but by contrast, he's more of a relationship guy. Good to know.
Anyway -- give me a few more weeks with this guy and I'm sure I'll be back to my usual overthinking, overly-analytical self.
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